Tis the season to be jolly … I mean to be catfished or malwared or even, god/allah/buddha/elon forbid, ransomed, so, what is there to be done when somebody sends you a wedding-photos.zip.exe.bin.bat.sh file and you’re not married? Maybe it is someone from the future? Or somebody is trying to get you to install some malware with scary names? Like that thing … WannaBitch or something. WannaCry, that’s the one!

Well, if you’re on Windows you can rely on Microsoft Defender. On macOS you rely on Gatekeeper, SIP and put all your faith in our holy father Tim Apple. On Linux … well … 2022 is the Year of the Linux Desktop but this is 2021 so what can you do?

I’ll tell you a little secret, you can open an amazing website in your favorite web browser (that better not be anything from Google or Microsoft, I AM WARNING YOU). The website I’m talking about is virustotal.com and it does something amazing as scanning any files you upload for malicious code using more than 40 different antiviruses. That’s more than the number of states in the USA, right? Or something like that.

Let’s do it babysteps:

Good thinking, heh?
  1. Click on this website link (or just type virustotal.com in your web browser)
  2. Click on the File tab if it’s not selected and then on the Choose file button.
  3. Select that pesky naked-sister-in-law.pif.et.hercule.exe.com file that’s giving you trouble. Keep in mind that the maximum file size is 650MB and it can be a photo, document, archive or anything you can think of. DO NOT ATTEMPT to scan the The.Matrix.Resurrections.2021.DV.2160p.WEB.H265-PECULATE.mkv that’s 19.19GB in size and can be found on multiple torrent sites. That would not be ok.
  4. Press Confirm upload and wait a few seconds (or hours if you’re in Shitholia) for the analysis to end. After that, the service will display a list of antiviruses and a solution to each of them.
  5. Is it red? Red is bad. Or, as we used to say in World of Warcraft, red is dead. Is it green? Green is good, eat your greens, kids.

Thank you for reading my vlog and watching my audiolog, have an excellent New Year! For the next year I’m aiming at getting a TikTok like all the cool kids and maybe an OnlyFans. Wish me luck!