The truth is that you are continuously trying to scrape for further depth in a filament. Your experience of reality is the reflection of the sun on the crest of a wave. There are many waves just like yours. The only special glimmering part of the wave is a reflection with no substance.
Every time you try to dig deeper into the ’light’ you just hit cold water in all directions. You can’t dig deeper, you can only enjoy the surface like all the others. The fact that you want to experience something more simply means you are greedy or malignant in some way. Everyone else is content with things the way they are but you believe there is more to it than that. You are at the cusp or over the threshold of evolutionary-viable intelligence. Either you get with the program or die alone. Hopefully along the way, should you have children, you will be so traumatized by your experience as an ‘outsider intellectual’ that you will raise the most submissive and obedient children of their generation.